


Don't Say It

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Fix-It of Sorts, Love Confessions, M/M, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, new take on this scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27466291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: When in doubt, just use an excerpt i guess."Cas was everything. He was Deans salvation, his hope, his belief, his guardian, his best friend. And Cas had come so close to saying it. He had it on the tip of his tongue, the words dripping like poison down his own throat, and Dean didn’t want him to finish the sentence."If somehow they got away from Billie... If Cas didn't finish his confession... where would that leave them?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, minor eileen/sam - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 100





	Don't Say It

**Author's Note:**

> I'm exhausted, I have two(?) tests tomorrow and an essay due that I haven't started, and there's laundry, dishes, SHIT everywhereeee but I wrote (2) fanfiction(s) instead.
> 
> anyway, I hope you enjoy <3

Dean is staring at Cas, wide eyed and unsure of what to do. He should say something. He should interrupt. He should do something. Anything. But he just stands there, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying to find a way to get Cas to stop this.

“Knowing you has changed me,” Cas is saying and Dean doesn’t like where this is going. 

He’s crying and Dean’s eyes are burning too and Cas cannot fucking do this to him right now. He can’t. He can hardly process what Cas is saying, all he can think is that he’s about to sacrifice himself. He made a deal. Cas made a deal and now he’s going to let the empty take him. To save Dean. 

“Because you cared. I cared. I cared about… you. But I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack.” 

Dean can hardly breath and Cas looks so devastatingly earnest. So painfully honest. And Billie is still at the door, he can see the sigil beginning to flake off. And Cas is taking a breath and staring right at Dean. 

Dean can barely believe him. Cas is standing here and telling Dean with so much love that he’s a good man. He can’t fucking do that. Not here. Not now. Not ever. And maybe Dean has spent the better part of the past eleven years trying to forget, then trying to hide it. Then just trying to stay alive. 

He spent the last decade caring too much and not caring enough and fucking this up in every way he could imgine. And Cas was still here, saying Dean was the best man he knew. All Dean wants now, is to fucking survive. First, to get past Chuck's army of zombies and demons and ghosts. Now, to get past Billie, to get past Chuck. He had never cared about living as long as it meant Sam and Cas and Jack would be okay. 

Cas is standing here now, palm bloody and eyes wet, with ‘goodbye’ written across his face. Telling Dean that this right here would make him happy. These words. Would make him happy enough to be taken. And Dean can’t stop the empty.

“But I cared about the whole world because of you.” Dean’s vision has gone blurry and he has to blink away his tears to be able to see Cas, he has to swallow hard past the lump in his throat. 

That’s when Dean thinks he knows for sure. And he doesn’t know if he believes it. He definitely doesn’t think he’s worth it. And he doesn’t know if he can handle the next words on Cas’ tongue. 

“Cas…” he whispers, voice breaking.

The door bangs one last time, Cas doesn’t even turn to look at it, eyes focused on Dean, taking in every detail. Because this is the last time he’ll ever get to see him. 

The sigil weakens. The door slams open. Billie is standing there, scythe in hand, tall and strong, though looking sickly. She’s dying. Dean doesn’t have time to think about if they can escape her long enough to escape.

“Dean I-” Cas rushes, he has to do it now, the empty has to take Death too. Dean can’t think. He can’t think, but he knows Cas will die. He doesn’t want to know what Cas is about to say. He can’t let the empty come.

He grabs Cas by the arm, surprising him enough to stop his sentence, and pulling him behind one of the shelves. He knows they can’t hide from Death. But maybe if they run, she’ll die before they have to. Dean covers Cas’ mouth for good measure and looks at him with ferocity in his eyes. His other hand grips the front of Cas’ trench coat.

“Dean,” Cas tries to mumble, Death turns the corner. 

They’re practically chest to chest, and Dean glances quickly over his shoulder, seeing Death advancing with a smirk. He turns back to Cas.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” He says, Cas gives Dean an ‘I-have-to’ look and tries halfheartedly to pull Dean's hand away. “I mean it Cas, don’t say it.” Dean says, sounding desperate now.

Death is mumbling something, Dean feels the clenching in his chest again. He forces himself to stand upright anyway. Cas’ bloody hand is gripping Dean’s shoulder. Then the pain in his chest starts to lesson. Hardly, but it’s there. Cas must notice Billie growing week because he jumps out at her, shoving her away. She loses her mental grip on Dean, the pain vanishing, and Dean is able to claw at the Scythe, turning it towards Billie, weak and dying on the floor. She laughs. But she’s too weak to kill them now. 

She’s already lost the fight, but it doesn’t feel like the victory they had hoped for.

***

Dean refuses to look at Cas. Cas still has tears drying on his face. Death is a pile of dust on the floor. 

Deans phone starts to ring.

“Sammy, how’s it going there.”

“They’re all gone.”

“What?” 

“They- they’re all… just… gone.” 

“What do you mean?”

“It was just like Eileen. And Charlie's girlfriend. All of them. Even Donna.”

“No.” Dean whispers, he looks up at Cas, finally, so he can make sure he’s still there. He’s still here. The empty didn’t get him. He hasn’t vanished. He’s okay. If Dean has no one else, he still has Cas. Sam is silent for a moment.

“We’re on our way back to the bunker,” he says, snapping Dean out of a worried staring contest with Cas. “how’d it go for you?”

“Billie is dead.” Dean says, then, with as much certainty he can muster, “We can figure this out Sam.”

“I hope so.”

And their hope is dwindling. But even then, with nothing more than the four of them and sheer willpower, (and some old journals from their hunter friends), Dean finds himself with Death’s scythe to Chuck’s throat. He’s angry. He’s pissed. And Amara is chanting. So is Cas. So is Sam, and Jack, and Dean. And Chuck is turning to smoke, settling into the Scythe. Dean wants to break it right then and there. But the balance needs to be kept. Chuck can’t be killed.

They give the Scythe to Amara, and she hides it away somewhere. No one will ever find it, she promises, not even her. And They thank her, thinking it’s ironic that the darkness turned out to be the nice one and god was their enemy. And she only smiles. With a snap of her fingers, everyone is back. Everyone is back and Dean wants to have a party, a celebration, but he looks at Cas, who looks tired. Looks run down and small. Who made a deal with the Empty.

The victory still puts a small smile on his face, but every glance toward Dean seems to make him grimace, he looks sad, but he wasn’t exactly allowed to be happy. Dean makes a promise to himself that this battle hasn’t been won until Cas’ deal is broken.

After weeks of research Cas tries to stop him. 

“There isn’t an out here Dean.”

“There is always an out, Cas.”

“Please stop.”

“Sorry, man. I’m getting you out of this deal.”

“I don’t expect anything Dean. Really, you don’t need to waste all this time.”

“Drop it Cas. I’m doing this. And you aren’t a fucking waste of time.” Dean says, he keeps his voice distant, almost angry. He can’t let it be anything else. He can’t let the Empty take him away. 

Cas sighs. He wants Dean to drop it, because if he does somehow manage to fix this, there’s nothing stopping Cas from confessing. And then the only reason this wouldn’t work out would be because Dean doesn’t want it. 

He wants to ask why he’s doing this. It’s Cas’ mess, it’s not Dean’s to clean up. But he doesn’t want to know Dean's answer. He doesn’t think Dean would give him an answer anyway.

(“Goddammit Cas, because you’re worth it. Because I care about you. Because I want you to be happy. For once in our goddamn lives we have nothing holding us back, and I want you to be happy too.” But Dean couldn’t say that. It was too close to a confession coming from him.)

Dean lets Cas leave, looking tired and unsure. They’ve been stuck in constant motion, no chance to sit and think about what the hell they’re dealing with, and now that it’s finally over, the emotion of it all sits heavy on Cas’ shoulders, the grief, the fear, the trauma, and he can’t quite figure out how to convince himself it’s all over.

But Dean promises silently that he will find a way out of this fucking deal.

And so he does. It’s a trade off, a loophole that took weeks to find, and even more weeks to execute. But with Billie dead, the empty agrees to release Cas from his deal, in exchange for the last of his grace. 

For a moment, Dean is afraid that Cas is going to say no. Dean pleads with him silently, but Cas won’t look. He does agree though, and the next few days he hardly leaves his room. 

Dean spends those days thinking over Cas’ almost-goodbye-speech. Thinking over every moment. Every shoulder touch, every comment, every time an angel, or demon, or another hunter joked about Dean and Cas. He goes through in his head everything Cas has ever done. Then he looks at himself, all of his own actions, thoughts, words. 

And he knows. 

He’s known for far longer than he’d like to think. And he’s had so much to fucking deal with, he couldn’t deal with this too. It’s not like it would have mattered much anyway. Dean and Cas could have never been a love story. They could have never been anything. They weren’t anything. But they were everything.

Cas was everything. He was Deans salvation, his hope, his belief, his guardian, his best friend. And Cas had come so close to saying it. He had it on the tip of his tongue, the words dripping like poison down his own throat, and Dean didn’t want him to finish the sentence.

But now. Now there’s nothing hanging over their shoulder. There’s no Chuck. No Billie. No apocalypse, or war, or archangel, no deals. They don’t have any big scale problems to worry about for the first time in their entire life. They’re safe. At least as safe as the Winchesters can get. 

He’s safe enough to let himself brush against Cas in the mornings when they both reach for coffee at the same time. 

He’s safe enough to sit close to him on the couch while they watch a movie. To let himself lean against him as it goes on. To let himself fall asleep there.

He’s safe enough to watch openly, with a fond smile. And to reach out to Cas or whisper good mornings and goodnights while they’re both still half asleep before going off to their separate rooms.

He’s safe enough to let his touches linger longer than he’s ever dared. To let himself smile more openly at Cas. He’s safe enough to be in love.

And he’s ready now. The first morning after the deal is off, Dean seems happier than he’s been since the last time Cas came back from the dead. And the morning after that he calls Cas ‘angel’ and puts his hand softly on Cas’ waist while he reaches around him for a coffee mug. It’s not much, the touches are casual, and the staring is still controlled. But he seems freer. 

Sam notices, and one night the three of them and Eileen are having drinks in the kitchen. Dean is sitting across from Cas, Sam is farther away (a normal distance away…) with Eileen, and they know that they had always been like this. 

What was different, was that when Cas laughed, Dean let himself lean in closer, a hand reaching out to touch Cas’ sleeve. As couple-y as they had always been, they were never open about it. It was a badly kept secret. Something they were too afraid to acknowledge to each other. Something Sam assumed Dean would never be able to come to terms with. 

But Dean was blushing for god’s sake, and so after Cas has gone to bed, after Dean smiles up at Cas and says ‘g’night’, Sam brings it up. Eileen is off getting her things from the car so she can spend the night, leaving just Dean and Sam.

“What was that?” He teases, and at first he seems worried that maybe Dean will be angry, or he’ll deny it, but Dean shakes his head and looks down, worried, but still smiling.

“Nothing.” he mutters.

“You seem happy.”

“What makes you say that?” Dean jokes and Sam rolls his eyes, sipping his beer again.

“I’ve just never seen you so… open, I guess. You’ve always been so closed off. About Cas.”

“Hm.”

“Is there.. Is there something going on?”

“I don’t know,” Dean says, it’s quiet and nervous and Sam nods. “He- he was gonna die Sam. He was- and he almost told me he-” Dean didn’t plan to get emotional, and he kind of hates himself for it, but if he was being honest, he wanted to talk to Sam about this. He was ready. Sam waits patiently for Dean to regroup. “He had a whole goodbye speech, but it was more than that, he was gonna confess I think. He was gonna tell me.” 

“But he didn’t?”

“I stopped him. The empty would have come if he did. And now we haven’t talked about it. And I don’t know what to say if we did. It scares the shit outta me, man.” Dean chuckles to lighten the mood.

“Dean,” Sam starts, face kind and patient. “This is Cas. He’s been our best friend for twelve years. This seems like a good thing to me.”

“I know, it is, I just- I've always…”

“I know Dad was an asshole, and that this kind of thing is tough- it’s- it’s been tough for you.” Sam says, “But Dad was wrong about a lot of things. And I’m proud of you.”

“Thank’s Sammy.”

“You’re happy then? ‘Cause you two look pretty happy.”

“Really happy,” Dean admits, refraining from getting up and leaving the conversation right then. “... It’s Cas.”

And Dean knows what it is.

Even if he has no idea how to say it out loud yet. But it’s there. And Cas can tell. Sam can tell. Jack can tell.

It’s been over two months since Cas almost confessed. Dean still isn’t convinced he’s worth it. Isn’t convinced that’s what Cas had meant to say at all. But one night Dean finds himself at cas’ bedroom door anyway. 

“Hello Dean.”

“Hey Cas.”

“What is it?”

Dean shrugs casually, then holds up two beers. Cas seems to consider for a minute, then, with resignation, he steps aside to let Dean into his room. 

The walls are still bare for the most part. There’s not much comfort. Not much of a home. Dean kind of hates it. It makes him feel like Cas is going to leave again. 

“You haven’t been out of your room much.”

“Not much to do.”

“Come on, man. What’s up?” Dean asks, sitting on Cas’ bed. 

“Dean, it’s alright.” Cas sighs, sitting in the chair next to the bed. Dean pulls him up by the arm and pats the space next to him on the bed instead.

“Tell me anyway.”

After a long moment, Cas looks up at Dean “When Billie was after us… when I was- what I said…” He takes a breath. “I never expected to survive that. I didn’t think about what would come next. I knew… I knew it wouldn’t be realistic. But Dean, I meant every word. I still do.”

Dean nods.

“And I don’t expect you to reciprocate, or to act on it… but I need to say it. Because I didn’t get to then. And if I don’t it’s gonna be stuck there forever.”

“I love you.” Dean says, before Cas can even get there. And it catches them both off guard, they just sit there for a moment, staring at each other blankly. “I hope that’s what you were planning on saying, otherwise this just got really awkward.” Dean says and Cas laughs, disbelieving.

“Do you actually?”

“Love you?” Dean asks, moving closer to Cas on the bed. “Cas, I have… loved you, for- for a long time. And I’m sorry I was too stubborn to do anything about it. Or to admit it. Even just to myself…”

“Dean, you don’t need to say anything.”

“I do though. I’ve spent my whole life avoiding this. I’ve been… bottling shit up and hoping it will go away because I was scared. And it hurt us both. And I know you know, because you know me, and you can feel emotions or whatever your angel mojo does, but I want this. The whole deal.”

Then Cas is whispering it back and Dean is pulling him into a kiss. And it’s every moment over the past ten years that they’ve saved each other, died for each other, lost each other. It’s all the passion of every reunion they’ve had. It’s everything Dean has been shoving back since before he even knew what it was.

And it’s all the longing he felt when he knew what Cas felt, but he couldn’t act on it in fear of the empty returning for him. 

They are Dean and Cas, and from the moment Cas touched his soul in hell, it was promised that this was profound. They were profound. And they were in love, even if everything seemed to end in tragedy for them.

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many ideas, so many fanfiction ideas and so little time and so much else to get done  
> guess it's a good thing I suck at prioritizing.
> 
> My tumblr is king-of-queer-ships :)
> 
> criticism is appreciated! 
> 
> I hope you have a lovely day/night <3


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